Whiney, Little Cry Baby!

You know what? There is a crappy part about walking a Spiritual path! You know what it is? .......... You can NEVER escape back into your previous ignorance! The lessons get learned and internalized, and there's no returning to old, worn excuses and/or behaviors. Once you've crossed the road of self-awareness, there are only two choices ... face your own shit squarely or numb/avoid it. The problem with numb/avoid is that the truth never goes away ... it's always waiting for you to become aware again!! There isn't enough alcohol, sex, anger, volunteering, drugs, children, jobs ... to keep the truth away forever!

So, what on earth am I babbling about? In this instance: Knowing that the behaviors that bug me most in other humans are a direct reflection of my deepest fears about myself!!

One of my biggest fears was always that I'd let someone down and then they would forever think of me as untrustworthy. In my life this irrational fear has left me incapacitated, unable to complete projects and meet promised deadlines. Instead of doing the very best that I was capable of ... I did nothing. I froze, and in doing so I created the exact experience I was trying to avoid. Over and over. Year after year.

I learned this response from my Dad. God bless him, he still responds like that to his world. I, however, am aware ... enlightened even ... to my proclivity toward inaction. So, I make the choice to proceed in fear. Bust through my old behavior and ... if nothing else ... own up if I haven't live up to a promise or met a deadline!! It's not easy making that phone call. Admitting that you were unable to complete a project on time. But, it is SO MUCH BETTER than the alternative. There is peace in admitting that I am human. There is joy in knowing that others have experienced the same fears and inaction.

Anyway ... that's today's confession to the Universe. I'm better at dealing with my behaviors than I ever was ... but can always do better. And So It Is :)

Blessings,
Colista

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