I hope this update finds each of you propsering in the New Year! May you receive in return one thounsand fold any gift of love, support, strength that you give this day. I know you've already gotten much for supporting my journey and my heart!! I Thank you from the bottom of my soul.
What's new? Well, after speaking with my brother, I've been thinking a lot about a fear I've carried with me since childhood. Ironically enough, it was the fear of being a BURDEN. I've been motivated by this fear to put myself and my needs last on every list. Setting unrealistic expectations of myself as a friend, employee, co-worker, lover, artist, partner or volunteer. Now the Universe has provided me with this opportunity to be exactly the "burden" I fearned ... and get to see what a gift it is to be in this place!!
I am unemployment, uninsured, living off the resources of my elderly father and grandmother, emotionally draining my brother's, friend's, and doctor's energies. BUT ... as so many people of faith have reminded me ... I have given freely and completely in my life ... and it felt wonderful!! Now, others are being given the opportunity to give in return. This completes a lot of circles in my life ... and opens up energy for me to build a new reality ... one of being whole and complete, able to give and receive, creating an unlimited ability to flow and be fulfilled in return!
As an Executive Assistant, I loved being the go-to girl. The person that needed nothing and supported everyone. I was often a martyr about it... complaining while secretly thriving on it. I adored being a life coach ... but often felt like a fraud doling out advice on how to fulfill someone's lifelong dreams, while not being sure how I was serving my own dreams. I've loved being in love ... but didn't know how to temper my love for the men in my life with a solid, sturdy loving, caring for myself. The thing I feared most was that someone would turn to me and say ... you are useless ... you are worthless ... I can't believe I've paid, loved, cared about you and gotten nothing in return. So, I gave everything I was capable of giving .... just not to myself.
In the last 10 years, I've learned so much about caring for myself. But, looking back, I can see that I've been headed toward something like this health crisis for quite a while. You see, I am a JACKASSED, STUBBORN MULE of a WOMAN! My lessons and growth sometimes hit hard. It's often taken a large God-Sized mallet upside my head to get my attention and facilitate my growth. But, I'm finding a gentler place for healing and growth to occur. These posts are helping me sort this stuff out!
I need an improved vision for my life. Following my creams. Making my happiness a priority. Only in that way will I continue to draw people to me who are in that same place. People, especially a man, who is grounded in the truth and able to see me for the beautiful Spirit that I am. A vision of a wedding, and a marriage that is created with ease and grace. One that can stand the test of time which always brings growth and change. My girlfriends and my guy friends are those kinds of people ... on The Path. Centered. Growing. I am so grateful!
So, this post won't be found on Facebook or Twitter links. It's too personal. But I'll post it here so that my truth remains growing in this Universe ... even as it remains growing inside of me!!
Blessings to all!
Colista
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2 comments:
Hi Colista,
WOW...Your blog "Life long burden lifting", was incredible to read. To realize exactly what has been feeding your "dis-ease", great for you!
I had been "caring for everyone, but myself", years back, and was awoken to that fact, by one of my angels. So, at this moment and on, I make time to do things that please me first. I still care for others, but if I start to realize I'm not happy in the situation, I back off. This doesn't make for some of my friends, wondering what happened, but it give me clearity and purpose in how I'm living my life.
Have you read;
Heal your Body", by Louise L. Hay? It's a wonderful little book, that I read through every now and then, to make sure I am treating my self gently. If I happen to feel discomfort in my body, I look that up in the book, and sometimes find, the reason, my body is acting up. It mostly my brain doing some "fighting" with my body, ie. Stress!
I know I am one of your angels, as you are to me. We will learn together. Yes, Heaven is here on this Earth we walk upon, but so is hell. It is up to us to choose our path. If it is incorrect, change it!
Blessing of awareness and healing light to you.
Cindy (Cynthia Dooley on FB)
Personal yet universal, my dear friend. I think this is something that a lot of people, especially women, struggle with. Thank you for sharing, always.
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